That title is like word salad, right? Two things are happening, one important and one fun, and I was trying to fit them both in. The fun one involves a chance to win a $25 gift ceriticiate to DriveThruRPG, but let’s start with the important one.
The Important Thing: Spam Account Purge
We have spam comments locked down, but spammers are ingenious at registering spam accounts. Usually those accounts don’t have any comments associated with them, so accounts with zero comments are quite likely to be spam.
The other reason there’s a correlation between zero comments and spam accounts is that nothing on Gnome Stew is hidden: All of our content is available, for free, to everyone. The only two things an account lets you do here are 1) comment on articles and 2) be eligible for contests and giveaways. In other words, there’s no reason to have an account here if you’re not going to write at least one comment.
We understand that people sometimes create an account and then never use it for one reason or another, though, and we don’t want to delete any legitimate accounts. The goal is to have all accounts be legitimate.
So here’s the skinny:
If you have an account here and have never commented on an article, you need to make at least one comment or we will delete your account.
If you’ve commented at least once, your account won’t be deleted, of course! It doesn’t matter which article you comment on, or how long it’s been since you last commented — again, we’re only nuking accounts with zero comments in this purge. But if you’re looking for a likely target article to comment on, read on to see why this one is a good choice!
(Update: Please note as well that having a user account, receiving our articles via RSS/email, and being on our mailing list are completely separate from each other. You can have/do any of those things without having/doing any of the others.)
The Fun Thing: A Contest!
We love running contests and giving stuff away to our readers, and since purging spam accounts isn’t exactly sexy article fodder we thought we’d jazz things up a bit. From now until November 6, 2012, we’re running a contest.
Here’s the scoop:
- You can enter the contest by commenting on this article. In your comment, say something funny to prove that you’re a human being. One comment per person; if you comment more than once, your first comment is the one that counts. (As always, the gnomes aren’t eligible to win.)
- New users are welcome to comment. This contest is open to anyone with an account who comments before the contest ends.
- Comments on this article will stay open until sometime in the evening on November 6, 2012, at which point I will close them and the contest will be over.
- The gnomes will take a few days to read all of the comments here, hold a vote to choose the funniest comment, and that commenter will win the contest.
- We’ll award a $25 gift certificate to DriveThruRPG to the lucky winner.
That’s all there is to it. Happy commenting, humans!
I’m German. Being funny isn’t in my genes…
Something funny to prove you’re a human being.
I’m Bavarian.
I’m a geek. Holes are in my jeans…
The funniest first declared action in an RPG ever spoken. It was a Rifts game and I was playing a punk-rock City Rat specializing in bad ideas with a shit-ton of chemistry equipment as my starting Black Market goods. Thus I spake, “I look for a reputable Meth dealer.”
Later in that same session the following exchange occurred:
Player : Declared some preposterously dangerous maneuver with a Jet pack.
GM : “Okay. Roll your Jet Pack Piloting skill.”
Player : “There’s a Jet Pack Piloting skill?!”
The GM, The Other Players, and Me : Stunned looks slowing turning into raucous laughter and a crash that should have killed anyone or anything but did not kill the character. Because it was Rifts and MDC armor makes you impervious death by stupid.
Something funny… hmm.
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Last session I made the mistake of telling our group that artifacts are the result of epic deeds and legends. The party spent the rest of the night debating how to forge an artifact from peeing on things.
A comment, unfortunately no mighty insightful comment to make, but still a comment.
Darn! There goes my annual comment…
I am unable to be funny on demand 🙁
Unless being unable to be funny is funny. I guess in that case, I put the corpse in a bag of holding for later resurrection if the priests feel like it.
If you multiply all your WOW friends by i they become real.
I know I’m human. And if you were all these things, then you’d just attack me right now, so some of you are still human. This thing doesn’t want to show itself, it wants to hide inside an imitation. It’ll fight if it has to, but it’s vulnerable out in the open. If it takes us over, then it has no more enemies, nobody left to kill it. And then it’s won.
Since we’re sharing funny stories from the table. I was running a Savage Worlds game, and one of the characters was a french swordsman with a pet monkey. Said Monkey needed a name.
In a previous game, a different GM had trouble thinking of a name for a french-based fantasy character was La Frommage.
In keeping the gag alive, the other players wanted to call the Monkey La Frommage. The player of the swordsman looked at everyone like they were idiots. “Why would I call him ‘La Frommage?’ I’m French. His name is Cheese!”
I can’t believe I have to speak to prove I am a human being. 🙂
I am no spam bot I eat spam
My campaign features a mechanical lobster.
Just because.
(Does this count as a contest entry?)
This is a comment. Please don’t kick me out.
Something funny. There, I’m human (*BZZZZT*).
-SJ
One small comment for man. One large comment for bot-kin– MAN! I mean MANkind. I am not a bot.
I once made the PCs crawl up in a giant crab’s ass. For my defense, it was a Z’bri in Tribe 8.
Eeeeeeewwwwww!!
Yeah, I know. Z’bri are gross.
I’m not feeling that funny today, just ask my kids. I’ll opt to share a funny gaming story that still makes me smile as I type. In involves Delta Green, which is probably the most humor-laced RPG on the market.
Anyhoo, he was having a most excellent game, rounding up suspects, gathering proof, and just waiting for the “real” authorities to show up so he could wipe his hands clean of the assignment.
His only problem came down to a damn portal. Seems the failures of the baddies didn’t set well with their master, so it ripped a hole in space and emptied them all out into deep space.
The Investigator gets the attorneys and authorities to the makeshift prison to find it wholly empty . . . empty empty.
“Case closed?” He asked hopefully.
A request for a search warrant was made.
He had one. It was in the room. “That’s probably not going to happen.”
Somehow, he just broke and resulted to Grand Theft Auto style tactics, eliminating the attorneys and officials there that he called.
The rest of his cell had to put him down.
Somehow this was done all out of frustration really, no sanity check required. Great game. Thought one guy would die from laughing so hard.
My friend? Yeah, he won’t play anything linked to the Mythos anymore.
Okay, I’ll make a comment some I’m not purge. If you’re not funny then you should be German. Dutch and Austrian are viable alternatives.
Can use a Skyrim character as my profile pic? Please, I promise not to bite.
The colour of your pants + the last thing you ate = your Rock Band Name.
Introducing to the stage for one night only…
Black Steakslice!
Say something funny? What? Do I look like a politician to you?
Hmm. I *think* I’ve commented before, but life gets busy, articles go into the “read later” folder, and pretty soon all I can be sure of is commenting on Martin’s Google+ posts. So I’ll play it safe here and comment now. Again. I think.
While playing a dark elf infiltrator (2E) during the days of the Crown Wars in a Forgotten Realms campaign, I got my hands on a Wand of Polymorphing. I was fighting gold elves and used it on one of them, turning it into a rabbit and then killing it and putting it in a sack, then returned home.
I was just a bit late for the evening meal. The matron of our family was stern with me for being late and asked if I had good reason for being late. I looked right at the matron, held up the sack, and said, “I brought dinner…”
I was forced to use the LOST YOUR PASSWORD function. Happens every time I replace a computer. This is an obvious human failing.
What do you mean I need to be funny? What do you mean, you mean by the way I talk? What? Funny how? What needs to be funny about it? You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little f-ed up maybe, but funny how? You mean funny like a clown, to amuse you? I need to make you laugh, I’m here to f-in’ amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How should I be funny? I don’t know, you said it. How do I know? You said I’m to be funny. How the f- am I to be funny? What the f- is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what’s funny!
It’s quite late in the day for me, so my funny faculties are somewhat lacking. Still, I’m a human, so please don’t purge me!
What does a stew of gnomes actually TASTE like? Wait, why would I even want to KNOW?
I don’t know if I’ve commented, but I guess this counts enough not to kick me out?
An exercise in logic:
1. Receive email about potential account deletion.
2. Try to log in to leave a pithy comment.
3. Discover that no account exists to allow posting of humorous musing.
4. Create account to leave comment so that previously non-existent account wouldn’t be deleted.
5. Sit quietly and stare as actions sink in.
6. Ponder whether it is better to be deleted or to have never existed at all.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but thousands die attempting to harness lightning bolts.
Humor – not my strong suit.
So a neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink…
Neutron: How much will that be?
Bartender: No charge.
Never play with someone who brings a calculator to the gaming table. And never ever allow him to cast Wish, “I wish that my bankers’ records conclusively showed that 1000gp was invested in my name 200 years ago, at 4% interest, compounded annually.” Never.
sorry
can’t comment
busy fighting Evil Gazebo
BRB
I’m a spambot. You gnomes have a way to make me feel welcome.
Never play with someone who brings a calculator to the gaming table. And never ever allow him to cast Wish, “I wish that my bankers’ records conclusively showed that 1000gp was invested in my name 200 years ago, at 4% interest, compounded annually.” Never.
“Don’t stop sending me emails… hold on to that feelin’. Buglight peoples… oh-oh-ooooohhhhhh, yeah.”
I actually don’t remember if I have ever commented. Neither I am especially funny. But I am, in spite of all that, yet a human.
SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*
SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*
SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*
BADGER*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*
SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*SPAM*wait….that’s not right either…
What else floats in water?
bread. apples. very small rocks. cider. gravy. cherries. mud. churches. lead.
A duck!
Exactly, so, logically..
If she weighs the same as a duck, she’s made of wood
and therefore..
A witch!
Great Site.
Don’t purge me please.
/me checks to make sure I’ve commented. Solves it by posting what I’m doing 😛
Who am I? I am the center of the Storm, Master of the Sword. Now… No, hold on… Sorry, that’s “Changeling: The Dreaming”… but the point still stands!
Favorite all-time line from a session I ever took part in:
“Zombie go down da hole! Zombie go down da hole! Zomb…”
I’ll let you imagine the circumstances that brought this about… 🙂
I’m pretty sure I’ve made at least one comment, but just in case… two guys walk into a bar. A third guy sees them, then walks into it as well. You’d think he would have noticed it and stopped.
I would copy an XKCD joke to show I’m funny, but XKCD will probably be the first thing our superintelligenr computer overlords like, so that wouldn’t help …
During my first month of playing D & D back in the early 80s, we came to a room where the door was open a crack. Peeking inside, we saw a scary shadow on the wall and heard a squeaky voice repeating “cockatrice, cockatrice.†We almost fled the dungeon, terrified of being turned to stone. After minutes of deliberation, the party member who drew the shortest straw dared to open the door all the way and look inside. There were two kobolds, playing at shadow puppetry. “Cockatrice, cockatrice†one demonstrated to the other. We all had a big laugh. And then we slew the #$%@ out of those kobolds.
Sung to the tune of “Blackstar” by RadioHead, D&D Edition 3.5
Blame it on the BlackGuard,
Blame in on the falling dice,
Blame in on the DMG, that blue bound tome.
Something funny the actually happened in one of my fantasy games ages ago:
Being a former practitioner of necromancy, and being a former practitioner necrophilia are two very different things. Mixing up the two while discussing your “dark past” at the bar with other adventurers in an attempt to look “bad ass” will unfortunately not impress either them, or the tavern wenches who over hear you.
And in a different fantasy game with the same group of players:
Selling the local town fool (who seems as bright as a fence post) a set of cheap copper armor, (that you convince him is magically as durable as steel plate), for a outrageous amount of gold, will get you strung up by your knickers from the nearest sign post and robbed of everything you own when he shows it to his much smarter Gladiator brother who was buying a drink across the street, and telling him right where he got “such a great deal.”
-In the above situation exclaiming to the GM “He can’t do that because I’m not wearing any knickers!” Will result in a far more creative method of “stringing you up as intended.”
Or in a sci-fi game with the same group:
Convincing the visiting alien ambassador a latex condom is actually bubble gum will get plenty of laughs from your friends, but not the Admiral or interplanetary space commission when the fun loving ambassador demonstrates his “bubble blowing” skill at the evening banquet.