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The Worst Dungeon Master Ever

Merry Christmas! Here’s a little GM-related humor for the holidays, courtesy of the thingsihate.org [1] archives: The Worst Dungeon Master Ever [2].

Then he had us roll for breast and penis size.

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#1 Comment By Joe On December 25, 2005 @ 3:58 pm

All hail Yig, Father of Serpents! (he’s all snakey)

#2 Comment By Joe On December 26, 2005 @ 8:42 pm


I just reread this story again for old time’s sake.

We’re in a very good position, us roleplayers, to be critics. We are author, audience, and participant to everyone else at the table.

Somehow, this reduces most roleplayers to two communication options:

1. Tell the DM you’ve got scheduling conflicts and can’t make it

2. Go along with it

Notice that Spider exercises Option 1 during the game itself!

Roleplayers reflexively go along to get along, and then wonder why they end up with boundary issues. Here’s a hint: don’t build a picket fence on that boundary (like not going swimming with DM McRapey) build a goddamn concrete bunker there (tell the DM that it’s absolutely not okay to rape people in this game).

Also, for those who didn’t read part four, there is a comment from pre-Forge Ron Edwards in The Parts Left Out of The Worst DM Ever. His take? ” AAAAAAAA!! “

#3 Comment By Martin On December 27, 2005 @ 12:16 pm

Roleplayers reflexively go along to get along…

This is a bit too sweeping of a generalization. I’ve met my share of gamers who fell into this camp (not direct), but also plenty that have no problem speaking their minds.

I definitely agree that polite and direct is the way to go in these situations, though.

#4 Comment By Judas On December 27, 2005 @ 12:24 pm

So terrible, I would almost wonder if the whole affair is a work of fiction. I tried to go to the site listed and it was down.

That being said, I will cede that I have seen and heard many similar horror story elements; just not so many stacked into one GM, so it could be possible.

It’s hard to imagine that people would sit through what is obviously going to be an atrociously bad game for the sake of polical correctness, yet it does happen.

In recent memory the only truly bad game I recall (outside of the drek of playing while 11 years old or so) is one with the Fundamentalist DM (FDM). The FDM had built this city in autocad, penciling its countless buildings in 2D wireframe. Ok, maybe he really likes worldbuilding you say. The game starts and it is LARGE: 8 players + the FDM (I consider 6 players critical mass myself, best is 4-5). Everyone is level 1, and has NO equipment. We must roleplay buying every piece of equipment, down to the last torch and Iron Ration. Some players might applaud this level of detail, but the main finds it incredibly tedious and boring, I assure you. After what seemed like days (factually hours), we finally go on the first adventure into the city sewers. Being the ex-Pirate (D&D 2E Fighter kit) I was up front. Some large crab-like creature jumps out of the muck. Combat begins and it goes like this:
FDM rolls- “Your surprised…”
FDM rolls- “Your critically hit…”
FDM rolls- “You take 11 points of damage..” (I had 7-8 I believe).
FDM rolls- “It grabs you as well”

The party attacks it and kills it but…
FDM “It did more crushing damage after the grab, he is dead”.

In summary: the char that I just tediously spent hours RP-ing something that is usually handled out of game (base equipment) was dead on the first swing, of the first combat, on a surprise roll that I could not mitigate. Mercy is not part of the FDM’s mindset- he must do as the dice dictate. The party started to talk about “revial” of the char, and I said “No…it’s only a lvl 1 char, dont worry about it”. “Really?”


The FDM then had the audacity to say that I could roll up another char if I wanted to. I had already been daydreaming about being home and playing “Command and Conquer” on my PC for some time and responded with a hasty “Um, no thanks, GottaGoActuallyThanksBye!” and practically ran out the door.

The game was a bunch of co-workers and I heard it fell apart at the speed of light, stumbling through one more session where many players did not show.

Thats my tale of terror. 🙂

#5 Comment By Judas On December 27, 2005 @ 12:25 pm

PS: I forgot to mention- the read was a great laugh btw. Thanks!

#6 Comment By Martin On December 27, 2005 @ 2:17 pm

Judas: I’m inclined to believe Annna’s story, if only because I’ve been reading TIH for several years and it’s always seemed to be on the level.

Either way, though, I’m glad you enjoyed it. 🙂

#7 Comment By Joe On December 27, 2005 @ 4:36 pm

Martin: Yes, it is the sweepingest of generalizations. I ask for leniency due to the horrors Two Option Syndrome has inflicted on my gaming in the past.